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06 November 2006 @ 06:53 am

As suddenly as if somebody'd dropped a boulder on my head, and for no apparent reason, I've fallen into a black hole of exhaustion and depression. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry, except that I don't remember how to cry. Driving home from work was problematic, driving Gavi to school in a half-hour will be … interesting. It's fascinating that I can write this. I wonder if I forgot to take my ritalin. I wonder if that'd cause this. I wonder …

Current Mood: depressedde-f*ck*ng-pressed
Larry Sandersonlsanderson on November 6th, 2006 01:01 pm (UTC)
I hope..
You feel better soon.
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 01:35 pm (UTC)
Re: I hope..
Turns out I did. Or at least as much better as can be expected. I feel pretty okay right now. Thanks!
Ann Totusekann_totusek on November 6th, 2006 01:56 pm (UTC)
A near-stranger is sending you heartfelt hugs and prayers....
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 01:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you, near-stranger. That's sweet and thoughtful of you.
ask mevorona on November 6th, 2006 02:07 pm (UTC)
Hmmm. Are you sure it's for no reason? I have this theory, call it bizarre, that sometimes people are actually depressed for reasons. I'm not going to start listing suggested reasons (we have newspapers for that) just saying give yourself a break. Ufff, I hate trying to remember whether I've taken a pill or not. I have done that with antibiotics, which is ultra-annoying. Is it O.K. to take an extra dose of Ritalin or is that asking for trouble?
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 02:01 pm (UTC)

Ah, yes. I probably should have said "for no readily-apparent reason." I believe your theory is correct—in fact, I'd go so far as to posit that people are rarely, if every, depressed for no reason at all. One of the obvious contributing factors is biochemical, for which I'm taking paroxetine as well as Ritalin (actually the generic equivalent of Ritalin, since it seems to work for me), but the balance isn't always exactly right. Making sure I eat regularly is important too—I tend to get a bad case of the stupids when I wait too long between meals….

I commented because it was an abrupt crash and unusually intense. Even though I've been dealing with depression for most (all?) of my life, this one surprised me. It really was remarkably hard to drive—heck, it was hard to function. Or maybe it wasn't really as hard as I was imagining—after all, I did function: I got home safely from work; I got Gavi to school on time and with no incidents along the way; I got back home after that; I went upstairs, took off my clothes, and got into bed. So I guess it wasn't all that bad after all.

Of course there were reasons. I suspect that a bunch of different things that had been niggling at me all decided to jump me during a moment of weakness. I further suspect that some of them were of the repressed type to the degree that it would take some serious unraveling to figure out what the heck they were; others were just the ordinary, garden variety disappointments and self-loathing and hurt and fear…

erm … excuse me.


An extra does of Ritalin probably would not cause any real damage, but it might cause me to vibrate excessively or perhaps to barf. If I'd thought there was a good chance Ritalin (or more Ritalin) would have helped at that point, I probably would have risked it. But it was all very uncertain.

Thanks for your thoguhts. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being you.

gomeza on November 6th, 2006 02:44 pm (UTC)
Low blood sugar?
Onset of Seasonal Affective Disorder? (treat with lots of full-spectrum light)

I hope you feel better soon.

If it's any consolation (misery loves company, wot-wot) I've been in a funk lately too - easily depressed by relatively minor things which should annoy, but not depress, me.

Okay, so I hope we BOTH feel better soon.

Is there anything you really enjoy, something that gives you great pleasure, that you haven't done in a while, that's within reach? Play music? Listen to some music that has always uplifted your spirits in the past? Eat some really good, strong chocolate?
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 02:07 pm (UTC)

Possibly all those things, yeah. And other stuff too. Don't we all just live positively interesting lives?


Turns out I did feel better soon. Thanks. Perhaps your good thoughts, along with those of all the others who took the time and energy to turn their thoughts my way that day, really did help in some way, woo-woo as that may sound.

So did you feel better soon too? I hope so.

Thanks for the thoughts and the suggestions. And, yes, thanks to you for being you. I treasure my friends.

gomeza on November 12th, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC)
Glad to hear it. I am still undecided whether good will / energy does things if you don't know about it - (tree falling in forrest, etc) - so I generally try to make sure folks know, when I'm sending some their way. :)

And yeah, I have been better since then, and I am positively groovy this weekend.
Laurel Krahn: depression - pillslaurel on November 6th, 2006 02:57 pm (UTC)
Ugh. Sympathies. Been there too many times myself and it sucks beyond the telling.

I wish I had useful advice, all I can offer is sympathy and at least a little understanding. Lots of people care about you and are pulling for you (myself included, you know).

Hope you managed the driving thing okay, that can be hard. Hell, everything is hard at times like this but you know that all too well. It'll get better though, even when it seems like it won't. You've had it happen before (things get better), it'll happen again. (At least I tend to find that a comforting thought when I'm that down, when I can manage enough reason to remember that).

Hang in there.
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 02:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the kind thoughts and words. Yup. This, too, will change. Always and inevitably.
the laughing leaping water: her2minnehaha on November 6th, 2006 06:00 pm (UTC)
I love you. I'm sorry this is happening.

Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 02:10 pm (UTC)
Hey, cut it out. I'm going to get positively weepy here in a moment about all my totally-wonderful friends. *sniff*
David W. Schrothdavidschroth on November 6th, 2006 07:32 pm (UTC)
I'm Blaming the Change in Season
And all the other crap that's going down, as I'm certainly feeling down right now, as well.

Do take care of yourself, remember there are lots of people who love you and care about you.
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 02:11 pm (UTC)
Re: I'm Blaming the Change in Season
Yeah. The climate's a bit better now. Thanks. You rock.
fastfwdfastfwd on November 6th, 2006 08:42 pm (UTC)
Hang in there. It's just a dip. You'll come back up soon.


Been There.
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 02:13 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Yeah. I did come back up soon. So many of us have been there and can empathize. It's a comfort, but there are times I do wish we were a happier lot.
Matthew B. Tepper: In Minneapolis with beardasimovberlioz on November 6th, 2006 08:51 pm (UTC)
Have stren'th. You're a good guy, and everybody knows it.
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 02:15 pm (UTC)

Me? A good guy? pshaw.

If "everybody know it," though, it kind of figures—seems I'm always the last one to know....

Seriously, though: thank you Matthew.

one_undone: Angel in September 2006one_undone on November 7th, 2006 06:44 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry you're feeling badly. I must say, you're one of MANY on my friends list expressing a similar feeling today, so it's not just you; call it the change of seasons, the bad weather, cosmic funk, the full moon, whatever you like, but a good many people seem to have it today, and for this reason, I am hopeful that it's a temporary thing and you'll feel better soon. If you have difficulty knowing if you've taken your meds every day, you might try a day-of-the-week pillminder box -- you can pick these up for a dollar or so at any pharmacy. They've helped me a lot.

::Wishing you comfort and sending you good thoughts, reassurance, and quiet joy to bolster you until you find your happiness and energy again::
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 02:19 pm (UTC)

Thank you. Yeah, it was rather amazing to flip though afterwards and see just how many people had the blahs. Those darned space-aliens must be playing jokes on us again.

It was, indeed, temporary.

Thank you for all the good thoughts and energy. I'm making a habit of sending you some of mine these days too. (Interesting that good thoughts and positive energy are anti-entropic and ignore the law of conservation of matter/energy.)

one_undoneone_undone on November 13th, 2006 01:38 am (UTC)
Much appreciated, sir. I think we can all benefit from some extra positive energy and good thoughts when others see fit to send them, and I'm happy to hear you're sharing. :)
Stephen Leighsleigh on November 7th, 2006 12:15 pm (UTC)
Wish I'd seen this yesterday... and hope you're feeling less down by now, and that you're through the storm. Sending good thoughts your way, regardless.
Fred A Levy Haskell: Fredcritter eyes onlyfredcritter on November 12th, 2006 02:21 pm (UTC)

Not to worry, good buddy. I reckon good thoughts ignore the boundaries of space and time, and yours were among those that helped me feel better, even though they arrived before they were sent. Hugs.