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26 September 2002 @ 07:23 pm
I'm so f*ing depressed...  
...I can barely move. "Why?" You ask. "Thanks for asking," I reply. "No particular reason...."
Actually, there is a particular reason -- it's those darned chemicals in my body, or something about the way my body produces or disposes of them, or some damned thing to do with my body and chemicals and stuff. At least I think that's the reason. Everybody tells me so. I guess it makes a better reason that just figuring I was born under a bad sign or something, since usually the drugs the doctor-person tells the pharmacist-person to sell me help when I take them as directed; whereas if it were because I was born under a bad sign I'd have to try to find a magic monkey's foot or some damned thing to try to help and it probably wouldn't and then I'd just have to curl up and die or something. Not that curling up and dying sounds like a bad idea.
But lately it seems the drugs don't so much. I spend a lot of time sleeping. Or laying around thinking about maybe getting up until the thought passes and I fall back asleep.
Usually I figure it doesn't so much matter how crazy you are, as long as you can fake it well enough to get by on a day-to-day basis. And it's true that I'm sort of getting the things done that absolutely have to get done -- I have yet to forget or be unable to pick up Gavi from school in the afternoon, for example. I got the mailing labels done in time for the Minicon PR2 mailing. I did the laundry before we were totally out of clothes. I periodically fill, run, and empty the dishwasher. I can sit up and take food, and even manage to make something for Gavi to eat most evenings. So by all measures, I'm doin' fine and should be satisfied if not delighted. But it's all slap-dash. Half-assed. Just barely in time. I can't get up the steam to get stuff written on the calendar, so one of these days some obligation is going to pass by and bite me on the butt.
Where is my hole? Who took my hole? I want to crawl in it and pull it in after me. Not forever. Just for a while. Just let me sleep for a while. Maybe next year it'll all be better. Let me just sleep 'till then.
Current Mood: ----
Current Music: you're kidding, right?
A Wandering Hobbitredbird on September 26th, 2002 05:38 pm (UTC)
Hang in there.

I keep hearing that after a while anti-depressants stop working, and you have to try a different one. That hasn't hit me yet, at least, but it might be worth asking your doctor about.
Fred A Levy Haskell: close-up alien guyfredcritter on September 27th, 2002 09:29 am (UTC)
Doin' what I can. Thanks.
Yeah. They switched me from Prozac to Celexa about a year ago for that reason, so I think it may be too soon for the Celexa to have worn out its welcome.
(Deleted comment)
Fred A Levy Haskell: close-up alien guyfredcritter on September 27th, 2002 09:44 am (UTC)
Nothing I can think of but thanks.
I can say that something not to do is try to cheer me up -- since I then have to deal with disappointing you on top of everything else.
Just treating me pretty much as usual is best.
Saw the doctor-person not that long ago.
It'll pass.
Hey, it's only in my head, right?
the laughing leaping waterminnehaha on September 26th, 2002 09:32 pm (UTC)
Oh, sweety. I'm sorry it's like that. I can't speak to the efficaciousness of your current meds, but I wonder if there isn't a seasonal component, too. A lot of people are kinda down and kinda blue and kinda feeling not-right these days, and it doesn't seem to matter if they are depressed, on meds, or whatever.

Summer just ended, and that doesn't help, y'know?

K. [can I help somehow?]
Fred A Levy Haskell: close-up alien guyfredcritter on September 27th, 2002 09:59 am (UTC)
Yeah, summer's end might be contributing. It's hard to tell with these things.
Thanks for the offer. I don't think so. I'll let you know if I think of something.
I reckon the best people can do is maybe cut me a little extra slack when I'm incoherent, but other than that just kind of ignore the elephant on my head.
Actually, my friend, you help more than you know just by being my friend -- just by being. (This is actually true of y'all friends.) Kinda keeps ... I dunno ... it's like it's easier to contemplate coming out of the hole when I know that when I do it won't be to a totally hostile or even just entirely uncaring world out there -- that there are good people out there who I care about who I'll likely run into. Or something like that. Or it would be like that if I was making any sense. Or something.
Lionesselisem on September 27th, 2002 12:56 am (UTC)
{wave} {wave} {wave}

waving gently from a few streets over

P.S. There's a lot of it going around just now. I hope yours eases up soon, and that good stuff comes to you. (Plus the energy and wherewithal to enjoy stuff.)

Fred A Levy Haskell: close-up alien guyfredcritter on September 29th, 2002 10:38 am (UTC)
Peter Hentgesjbru on September 27th, 2002 01:42 am (UTC)
Hey, Fred, would it help if I came over and did some of the things you're leaving to the last minute? I find, sometimes, that having someone else do things like make the food or wash the clothes lets me build up enough energy to get my momentum going in the direction I want. (Other times, having people around when I don't have the energy to do stuff is annoying as hell.)
Fred A Levy Haskell: close-up alien guyfredcritter on September 29th, 2002 10:50 am (UTC)
Thanks so much, Peter. You are such a giving guy -- I hope people are always there for you when you are in need.
As you suspect, it would probably take me more energy to try to tell you want to do than to just do it; besides, even under those circumstances I couldn't shake the habit that I'm supposed to "entertain" my "company." Funny thing, habits. Eh?
starstraf on September 27th, 2002 09:11 am (UTC)

Pout, I know the feeling.
Have you talked to the doctor-person, maybe your brain's normal functioning (depression) have found out how to overpower the current type of chemicals and gone back to it's normal processing mode. And changing the chemicals will help out.
(FYI you are the reason I'm able to be on chemicals that seem to be helping me quite a bit)
Fred A Levy Haskell: close-up alien guyfredcritter on September 29th, 2002 11:12 am (UTC)
Yeah, I know you know the feeling. I wish you didn't....
I probably should probably talk to the doctor-person, or at least the therapist-person. Seems like so much effort though. It'll probably get better after a while. It's probably just a temporary thing.
(I'm the reason? Huh. How so?)
starstraf on September 30th, 2002 08:31 am (UTC)
If nothing else at least call the therapist-person
(I'm the reason? Huh. How so?)
I had been pretty anti-drug for a long time. You and I had a few talks about your decision to medicate and that it was not accepting defeat to do so. It was what allowed me to get past my own feelings of being on anti-depressants means that you are just whimping out on processing your probalems.
David W. Schrothdavidschroth on September 27th, 2002 11:19 am (UTC)
I'll echo the "If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know".
Fred A Levy Haskell: close-up alien guyfredcritter on September 29th, 2002 11:49 am (UTC)
Thanks much. If it turns out there's anything anyone can do (that they aren't doing already, that is), I'll certainly let it be known.
It's good to have friends, it is.